Views from VanDeWalle

One of the things I love about rural communities is the amount of help and support given when people go through difficult times. I can attest to that, on several occasions. For example, when my mom had her stroke in 2011, neighbors, coworkers and friends        stepped up to provide support, send cards and helped out when I was needing to make trips to visit her. Also in 2011, 2012 and 2014, I was laid up with ankle surgery and very blessed that many people in the community helped watch my girls, made meals for our family and showed many other acts of kindness.  A quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson is one of my favorite, “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Recently, I’d like to give special recognition to County 4-H Councils, 4-H superintendents, FFA advisors and county fair board/ag societies for the numerous hours spent working to allow youth to showcase their projects. I have been so amazed at the creativity, dedication and time spent to help us as Extension staff find ways youth can be celebrated. While county fairs will look different and there won’t be the opportunity to socialize as normal, I am so excited that youth will be able to compete and continue learning life skills.

A part of the 4-H pledge is to “pledge one’s hands to larger service” and “heart to greater loyalty”. These are the values we try to instill in our 4-H youth. It is great to see youth helping each other during 4-H workshops and programs and friendships being made. There is actually research that shows how helping others has benefits for themselves. A professor, Thomas G. Plante from Santa Clara University and adjunct clinical professor of psychiatry at Stanford University has found that his students who attend a spring break trip working with people in poor and marginalized areas managed stress better than those who did not attend trips. He believes the research finding is due to a matter of perspective. Additionally, when helping others, you generally experience more empathy, compassion and solidarity with others as well.

As we approach county fair season, it is important to remind adults, as well as youth of 4-H’s core values of helping others with our hands. It might improve their stress management abilities and make for a smoother fair for all involved. Rather than seeking out problems, remember the 4-H pledge and help others. You’ll likely be happier and create a better experience for everyone around you. So, instead of only worrying about your exhibits or animals or trying to get others in trouble, consider helping a fellow exhibitor and fill one’s bucket with water or calling that person and telling them their animal is running low on water. If an exhibitor is struggling to know where to check-in their static exhibit, offer to help them.

By practicing these small acts of kindness, you might be surprised how much less stressed you and those around you will be. I am certainly appreciative of a 4-H parent who helped my daughter last year by putting her calf in after it somehow got out of its pen. “I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service and my health to better living, for my club, my community, my country and my world.”  If we practice these principles, we can make a positive difference in the lives of others.

Two of my colleagues provided a great article on helping youth deal with grief during these changing and challenging times so I’ve included it on this blog post.

Could this be Grief? Loss, Disappointment, and Cancellations

Written by Dr. Holly Hatton-Bowers and Dr. Amy Napoli

Many of us have experienced major changes in our daily routines and activities.  We have experienced loss of social connections, normalcy of routine, and a sense that life is forever changed. For youth, they have experienced these changes and losses too. Abrupt school closures, not being able to participate in ceremonies and cancellations of summer camp or family vacations can bring feelings of sadness, disappointment, and frustration.

It’s important to know that youth may be experiencing grief.  According to the National Institute of Health, grief is defined as a reaction to a major loss of someone or something. It is common for young people to feel grief during this time of great uncertainty. For some, this will be their first major encounter with grief; therefore, it can be helpful to understand the experience of grief: the emotions, behaviors, and/or reactions. Grief is universal and also personal.

Grief is normal and can be shown in different ways. Some youth may withdraw and become quiet, some will cry more easily, some will be more argumentative and irritable, push people away or become clingier.  Sometimes feelings of grief will lead to physical symptoms, such headaches or stomach aches. Grief can be overwhelming, confusing, and particularly challenging during a pandemic. Furthermore, grief is cyclical in nature. Unfortunately, it is not something you experience once and then it is over.

What can caring adults do to help young people experiencing grief?   Support them by helping them identify their experience as grief.   Learning about grief can help youth understand their experience, name their experience, and give them some ideas to be in control of their feelings. It is important to remember that youth are resilient. Research finds that in difficult times and changes, having a caring and supportive adult can help young people.

Here are some ways adults can support youth:

• Be available, present, and patient to talk about grief. Youth may not be ready to talk about their grief, loss, and disappointments right away. Be available and patient when they are ready to talk. It may take time to go through the process of grief.
• If youth are ready to talk, simply listen. Empathize with them and actively listen through eye contact, limit interrupting, and demonstrate interests through verbal and nonverbal communication. A head nod, gentle pat on the shoulder, or saying “I appreciate you sharing this with me or I am here to listen to you, is there anything else?” are ways to show active listening.
• Help youth understand that we all have times when we experience grief. You can say, “I understand this is difficult. You seem disappointed. It is really hard to miss out on this. Do you want to talk about it?” When you see youth are upset, it is best to first acknowledge these feelings and offer some understanding. Listen and accept their thoughts and feelings unconditionally and refrain from judgement.
• Try not to go into a “I need to fix this” mindset. Seeing youth experience strong feelings, like disappointment and grief, can be difficult. Avoid minimizing or reassuring them that “it will be ok” or “it is fine.” These types of statements can feel dismissive. Create a safe space for youth where they can be heard.
• Acknowledge that everyone responds to grief in different ways. Some youth may be angry, some will be stubborn, sad, or silent. These are all common ways of responding. Let youth express these strong feelings in safe ways.
• Be a good role model. Youth observe how adults handle disappointment, frustration, sadness, and anger. When you feel upset, model mindful breathing or share your feelings with others, this shows youth it is safe and okay to feel their feelings.
• Help youth reflect to find meaning in these experiences. It may be helpful to support them in helping others and finding gratitude. When they are ready, ask them what they are learning through this experience.
• Find moments to laugh and express joy. Help youth understand that it is common to experience different feelings and emotions at the same

These resources can provide additional support and help:

• Visit https://griefsjourney.org for workshops and support groups to help youth.
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides free and confidential support 24.7.
• Crisis Text Line (text 741741) is free from anywhere in the U.S. and provides support for those in crisis 24/7.

These are difficult and painful times. Youth experiencing grief need a caring, available adult who is there to help them gain skills to be more resilient.  Learning healthy ways to cope with these difficulties and strong feelings are important lifelong skills.
More information and resources about youth social-emotional development in difficult times can be found at http://disaster.unl.edu/families or by contacting your local county Nebraska Extension office.

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